1:48 AM EST
There's a cat that lives in my house. (Well, there are two actually, but since I find that nigh unto intolerable, we'll pretend there's only one. Besides, the second one is 18 years old and, God willing, will soon "cross the bridge.") Anyway--there's a cat that lives in my house. (That's him, in the picture.) For the sake of his anonymity, we'll call him Dirty Bastard Cat--or DBC, for short. We'll call him that, because that's what I've nicknamed him and I refer to him by that name at least once a day, if not more.
It being an ungodly hour, I'm up with nothing else to write about except how this cat is slowly warming to me and me to him. (Bastard!)
Case in point: at night he falls asleep on the end of the bed in the guest room, but at some point in the night, if he hasn't clomped down the stairs to his perch on the back of the couch in the basement, he treads on catlike paws ('cause those are the only paws he has--cat ones, like, you know?) into the office. Once in the office--where he really isn't suppose to be to begin with--he proceeds to fall asleep in the middle of the floor. Which is precisely where I found him tonight.
He looked up at me with bleary eyes, stood up, rubbed against my legs, let me scratch his ears and chin, and then settled in under my chair to continue sleeping. He's there right now, even as I type. And he's snoring. He does that a lot. Snores. It's 'cause he's fat. (And, according to my friend, Ms. Swizzies, "He's weird looking." I think that's on account of his purebred features and his white beard. But I could be wrong. We're still waiting for a clarification on that observation by the aforementioned friend.)
Now here's the rub. I started out hating this cat. He hissed at me and would take swipes at me when I'd do little more than bend over to pet him or offer him some tasty morsel. Now, though? Now I'm the only one he'll allow to groom him. Now he eats whatever I'm eating. And, with the exception of when I wear my Birkenstocks--which he hates and hisses at--he let's me pet him whenever I want to. As a result, I'm now warming to this damn, spawn-of-the-devil, dirty bastard Dirty Bastard Cat! Here I am, typing away and he's lying asleep under my chair. And that warms my wee little, Grinch-sized, cat-hating heart.
Damn you, Dirty Bastard Cat. Damn you!
Okay... Amend that. He just farted. I'm back to officially hating him again.
Oh well. I guess it could be worse. It could be 3:30 in the morning--like it was the other night... And he could be hurling--like he was the other night...
When this cat hurls, you can hear him in Outer Mongolia, that's how loud he is. The EPA has threatened to level noise pollution fines against us, he's that loud. He's so loud, in fact, he woke me from a dead sleep, which is no small feat given I only hear in one ear and I always sleep on my good ear, so I'm dead to the world.
The real bugger is, for all the pomp and circumstance he puts into hurling, the end result is a yield so small it's patronizing. The other night, not only was it small, it was the consistency of peanut butter. Peanut butter! I mean, come on. If you're gonna go to all that trouble, at least produce a chunk or two of substance. (TMI?)
It's a good thing his hurling woke me up, though, 'cause my housemate, Bee, didn't even stir. Slept through the whole thing. And she hears out of both ears! But I was awake. So, I cleaned it up. Better than waking up in the morning and accidentally treading in it.
Which brings me to my next point. (I'm not sure I know what my point is, but I'm pretty confident I'll have one by the end of this post.) Have you ever noticed that animals hurl in the most inconvenient places? Like the middle of the hallway? Could you pick a more obvious place?
And this is why I love small dogs. A small dog starts to hurl and it paralyzes them, which means you can pick 'em up and hold 'em over the toilet. So much easier than hairball-hurling felines.
You just wait, Dirty Bastard Cat. You just wait. One day, there's gonna be a dog in this house and then you're gonna get a run for your money!