I have the hiccups.
When I was a kid, the hiccups were kind of fun. Oh, sure, they hurt a little and they were one of life's great mysteries, but they could also launch you into fits of giggles. Finding a solution to end the spasms was an opportunity to experiment. Remedies ranged from standing on your head and holding your breath to ingesting tablespoons of sugar laced with pure lemon juice.
Now that I'm older, though, hiccups suck. Plain and simple.
They leave me breathless. Sometimes, they cause me to choke, which then leads to a simultaneous coughing fit. Worst of all, they really, really hurt. And they're still a fucking mystery.
I mean, they aren't a mystery in terms of what they are. They're a mystery in terms of how I acquired this current round. All I was doing was sitting here at my computer eating a couple of corn tortilla chips and sipping a drink. I paused to sneeze and, voilà, hiccups. The real bugger is, I'll sit here and hiccup away for the next who knows how long and then, without any fanfare, they'll just stop. As if nothing happened.
Case in point. I just stepped away for a few minutes at the end of that last paragraph to put some potatoes in the oven to bake, came back upstairs, sat at my computer looking for a picture in my iPhoto library, and just now noticed my hiccups are gone. Where did they go, when did they leave, and how did I miss saying goodbye?
Whatever. The fact remains, I hate hiccups. I'm too old for this crap.
Know what else I'm not the right age for right now? Arthritis. That's right. Inflammation of the joints. I have it in the middle finger of my right hand where my finger meets the knuckle in the top of the hand. Not fun, let me tell ya. Not fun at all. It's become so painful, I'm probably gonna have to suck it up, see the doctor, and get a cortisone shot. Ever had one of those? Fun, aren't they? Might as well just fill a hypodermic with peanut butter and shoot it up.
And speaking of peanut butter, you're never too old, but maybe too young, for that. My latest thing: make toast and butter it, then spread one side with a thick layer of peanut butter and the other side with a thick layer of Nutella. Yeah, that's good stuff. Even better is to make the aforementioned concoction with a sandwich grill. All the joys of childhood with all the maturity of a grown-up palette.
Now that my hiccups are over I can go back to enjoying my Dr. Pepper previously in progress without fear of squirting it out my nose. Thanks for listening.
P.S. Why do we say "I have the hiccups"? Shouldn't it just be "I have hiccups"? Or is it just me who says it incorrectly and gives it a definitive article?