Sunday, November 11, 2007

Too Old For This

I have the hiccups.

When I was a kid, the hiccups were kind of fun. Oh, sure, they hurt a little and they were one of life's great mysteries, but they could also launch you into fits of giggles. Finding a solution to end the spasms was an opportunity to experiment. Remedies ranged from standing on your head and holding your breath to ingesting tablespoons of sugar laced with pure lemon juice.

Now that I'm older, though, hiccups suck. Plain and simple.

They leave me breathless. Sometimes, they cause me to choke, which then leads to a simultaneous coughing fit. Worst of all, they really, really hurt. And they're still a fucking mystery.

I mean, they aren't a mystery in terms of what they are. They're a mystery in terms of how I acquired this current round. All I was doing was sitting here at my computer eating a couple of corn tortilla chips and sipping a drink. I paused to sneeze and, voilà, hiccups. The real bugger is, I'll sit here and hiccup away for the next who knows how long and then, without any fanfare, they'll just stop. As if nothing happened.

Case in point. I just stepped away for a few minutes at the end of that last paragraph to put some potatoes in the oven to bake, came back upstairs, sat at my computer looking for a picture in my iPhoto library, and just now noticed my hiccups are gone. Where did they go, when did they leave, and how did I miss saying goodbye?

Whatever. The fact remains, I hate hiccups. I'm too old for this crap.

Know what else I'm not the right age for right now? Arthritis. That's right. Inflammation of the joints. I have it in the middle finger of my right hand where my finger meets the knuckle in the top of the hand. Not fun, let me tell ya. Not fun at all. It's become so painful, I'm probably gonna have to suck it up, see the doctor, and get a cortisone shot. Ever had one of those? Fun, aren't they? Might as well just fill a hypodermic with peanut butter and shoot it up.

And speaking of peanut butter, you're never too old, but maybe too young, for that. My latest thing: make toast and butter it, then spread one side with a thick layer of peanut butter and the other side with a thick layer of Nutella. Yeah, that's good stuff. Even better is to make the aforementioned concoction with a sandwich grill. All the joys of childhood with all the maturity of a grown-up palette.

Now that my hiccups are over I can go back to enjoying my Dr. Pepper previously in progress without fear of squirting it out my nose. Thanks for listening.


P.S. Why do we say "I have the hiccups"? Shouldn't it just be "I have hiccups"? Or is it just me who says it incorrectly and gives it a definitive article?

6 comments:

Liseysmom said...

After my surgery several years ago, I had the hiccups pretty much non-stop for almost two days. It was very painful, as my breastbone was broken at the time.

I had to laugh at all the great doctors of Johns Hopking gathered around my bed yelling things like, Grab a bag! Try a spoon of sugar! Somebody scare her!!

I still am more prone to hiccups than anyone else I know. Loud hiccups that last for 30 minutes. It's soooo embarassing when I get them.

Oh, and I have arthritis too - in my knee. It totally sucks.

ME said...

My college roommate had a great cure for hiccups. I get really loud, gaspy unsuppresible hiccups, so it's no fun for anyone around me, either.

Anyway, Shawna would beckon me over and say "Hiccup in my ear--c'mon, right in my ear as loud as you can!"

Of course, I was shocked and didn't want to, but she kept insisting and suddenly the hiccups were gone! I guess the social transgression of hiccuping right in someone's ear was enough to get rid of them.

I've tried this on lots of folks and it usually works. It's most effective when the person with the hiccups doesn't know the hiccup-in-my-ear person very well.

Heh, heh.

Cele said...

I hate getting the hiccups. My poor daughter did not cry, scream, or hollar when she was born. She hiccuped. That's right for four straight days. For years she was prone to getting them for extended lenghts of time. She's groan out of it for the most part.

I try to avoid eating anything too dry. I will get the hiccups.

NG said...

The Dormouse had to recite a scripture in the church children's program this past Sunday. This is what it sounded like: "For God so loved the world, hic, that He gave hic His Only Begotten Son hic. That hic whosoever believeth in Him hic, should not perish, hic..." All square in the microphone. The congregation cracked up.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Lisey's Mom: Hiccups and arthritis. Ugh. On the former: all the knowledge and top of the line medicine in the world and we still can't find a cure for the common spasm of the diaphragm. Go figure.

ME: I LOVE your solution. I think I'm going to try that next time I get hiccups. (P.S. I ended up getting them again last night right be bed. Twice in one evening! Criminal.)

Cele: I wish I knew what triggered mine. The second round showed up for no rhyme or reason.

NG: Hilarious! For that, I would return to church. I'm sure God was delighted, too! Poor Dormouse.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I have the same painful knuckle as you, Tewkes. Same hand and everything. No shots tho.

As for peanut butter...ew. Not yummy that much to me. I'll eat it rather than cook, but still.

:) Hey...Paris was so awesome. Met some pretty wonderful women and had a grand time.