Thursday, January 10, 2008

Pulled Taffy

WARNING: This entry may contain more information than you care to know about my goings-on today. If you're a guy, you might want to be cautious, unless you're a boob man. Then you might want to stick around.

In about an hour or so, I'm off to have a mammogram. Confession: I've never had one. This is my first.

I barely have what one would classify as breasts. In fact, my breasts are the source of many a joke in my family. And yes, I laugh at all of them, because they're funny.

In truth, I have what one would probably call a generous handful. But bodacious and voluptuous I am not. That's not the point though. The point is, I'm having a mammogram (which every woman should have, right?)

So, I just talked to Bee. Here's how the conversation went.

Jay: I'm off to have my boobies squished.

Bee: Well, good luck with that.

Jay: I think after I have my boobies squished (I like saying that, by the way. It's sort of juvenile, I know), I'm going to need a treat.

Bee: Probably.

Jay: What do you get a woman who's just had her boobies squished?

Bee: I don't know. Why don't you ask them.

Jay: Well, I'm asking you, because you've had your boobies squished.

Bee: Yeah, but I never got a treat.

Jay: Well, I want a treat.

Bee: I know the one treat you won't want.

Jay: What's that?

Bee: Pulled taffy.


NG said...

Oh! This reminded me of a poem that has floated around in my family for years. I hope you'll indulge the length:

Ode to a Mammogram

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob inline.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine." She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched from way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
to Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits!
'Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezd me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
For years he'd go without!

Cele said...

The only month I willingly go into have a Mamo is October (Breast Cancer awareness month) because you get treats afterwards, a beautiful rose, cookies, juice, pencils, emery boards. All the rest of the time, it's just wait here for ten minutes while I go make sure they came out alright... which 75 percent of the time at least one didn't and I have to get squished again.

Tewkes I'm thinking this requires ice cream with lots of chocoate sauce, a walk to the movie, and then a big hot buttered pop corn. And there are the two of you, you could both get this treat twice a year and have no DBC to interfer with the popcorn.

NG I've always liked this poem or versions of it.

Phoenix Touch said...


Never having had *MY* sizeable boobies squished (oh, calm down would ya!) I cannot relate to the, apparently, inevitable pain that will be yours today. I will send lots of love your way.

And, I feel that life is short so I deserve a treat, always. Getting your boobies squished is a good a reason as any!


ME said...

Hmmm, sounds like Nipples of Venus, a confection mentioned in the movie Chocolat, would be an appropriate treat. ;)

I've had more mammograms than I care to count. Good tip about scheduling them in October for the extra treats.

Jess said...

I have a similar "generous handful" chest and I've always wondered how they would even manage to pull it far enough from my body to properly squish it. I've never had a mammogram either. I hope yours is okay and you get a nice treat afterword.

Wicked H said...

You deserve at least 2 treats....

I'll be here all week (rim shot)

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

NG: Brilliant! They should have posted that in the changing rooms rather than the letter from the director of WRA assuring patients that digital mammograms are the latest and greatest in mammography technology.

Cele: October; that's an excellent idea. I'll have to remember that for next time. (Not that I want to repeat this experience in 10 months time, but it might be worth it for the treats.) It's too bad they don't have a stick like the "I VOTED" ones. I wanted a sticker that said, "I Had My Boobies Squished Today. Have You?"

Abgue: Honestly, I can't imagine what it's like if you're...erm...more endowed than I. Although, maybe it's better because there's more mass to spread around, whereas in my case it's like feeding a 10 mm shot into a 50 mm Howitzer. Bad metaphor. Never mind.

ME: Nipples of Venus were the last thing on my mind. Although, I could be comforted with chocolate right now...

Jess: Oh, believe me, they manage. They manage! Just be prepared for very angry boobies when it's all over. Frankly, I don't deserve a treat. My boobies do.

Wicked: Hey! You're right. Two treats are definitely better than one!

Anonymous said...

Aw, poor boobies! Hope you're doing whatever you need to do so they, and you, feel better.

Anonymous said...

I've had my first and therefore last mammogram. It hurt so bad I about punched the tech -- beeotch!

It felt like it was going to take at least a month to re-inflate.

What sick bastard thought up this test? I'd like to put his balls between two cold plate of steel and ask him to think of something better.


J.M. Tewkesbury said...

JA: What's amazing is, my shoulders actually ache from today's squishing. Who knew? Oh, and my chest broke out in bunches of little pimples. Not sure if that's from the machine itself or the gown I was wearing. Regardless, ugh.

Phoebe: I had a really nice tech, but I coulda bitch slapped on the first round of pancaking. It was everything I could do not to yell. She told me that some women actually pull away from the machine. I don't know how the hell they do that. I'm afraid if I had, I'd have gone from being a 36B to a 36DD. I'm not sure how soon I'll be going back for one of those again.

LG said...

Ok, that conversation made me laugh out loud. The whole exam process is really, really not so very fun at all. Okay, it sucks. So I think you should have treats leading UP to the exam (you know, to psych yourself up!) and then afterward to reward yourself. Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Oh crap!! NG beat me to it. When I read your blog I went STRAIGHT to my secret files and pulled this out.

Thanks NG. But if I didn't put it on here, I'm glad you did!


J.M. Tewkesbury said...

LG: Of course! Treats before and after. Why didn't I think of that? Combine that with Wicked H's suggestion and that would be four treats total! Oh, I like that idea!

CLBM: Like daughter, like mother, eh? I'm glad NG posted, but if she hadn't, I'm glad you would have.