Monday, April 7, 2008

Things That Make Me Peckish...

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods today. It matches the weather, which is gray and overcast and cold and damp-to-the-bone and just depressingly un-spring-like. Plus, I'm PMS'ing. So there. You've been warned.

Things that make me peckish include the following and in no particular hierarchy of peckishness:

1. Playlist.com

I'm sure you've seen this little widget on blogs and MySpace and Facebook pages everywhere. It's that annoying little gadget that starts playing the blog owner's favorite music the minute you open their web page or whatever. I wouldn't mind it so much if most people I know with these actually had decent taste in music. Unfortunately, they don't. The sad part is, most of the people I know with these widgets are related to me.

Primary result: I have to mute my computer's speakers or pause their playlist so I don't have to listen to Janice Kapp Perry's Top 10 or 50 Greatest Hits of Christian Pop or whatever while I'm reading their blogs.

Secondary result: Despite most of these Playlist.com users being related to me, I have decided, I am not related to them.

2. Microsoft Vista

If you haven't upgraded, DON'T! Could there be a stupider, more ill-conceived software upgrade on the planet? Microsoft Vista is further proof that we're all a bunch of soft-minded, mushy-brained, spineless lemmings. Microsoft knows it can fob this shit off on us and we won't do a damn thing about it, except piss and moan, then hunker down, suck it up, and learn to deal while the Evil Empire laughs all the way to the bank. Again.

Primary result: A strong desire to fling Bee's PC with Microsoft Vista straight out the window.

Secondary result: Uninstalling Microsoft Vista and replacing it with good old, reliable, user-friendly Microsoft XP. (Who ever thought you'd find the words "reliable" and "user-friendly" in the same sentence with Microsoft?)

3. Doctors Who Don't Listen to Me

For more than two years now, I've been begging my gynecologist for a hysterectomy. For two years now, she has poo-poo'ed my begging. For more than two years now, everything about being a woman biologically has made me achy, tired, and, more recently, bitchy. I'm done with that.

Primary result: I'm calling my insurance company this week to find out what requirements have to be met for the aforementioned procedure to be covered by their evil asses/my healthcare policy.

Secondary result: I'm finding a new doctor who will take me seriously and not dismiss me with a passive-aggressive feint (i.e. calling my bluff snidely.)

4. WikiAnswers

This past weekend, Bee had cousins in town for a family wedding. On Friday night, I took them on my famous "Washington at Night" tour. (It's a really good tour. If you ever come to visit me, I'll take you on it and I promise you'll love it.) One of Bee's cousins asked, "Which monument is the oldest" on the National Mall. I was stumped. I wanted to say the Washington Monument, but I wasn't 100% sure and I said as much. Today, I went to Google and typed in the words "oldest monument Washington DC" and was directed to WikiAnswers where this was the answer (click on the image to enlarge.) Be sure to pay special attention to the yellow box above the Q and A:


Primary result: I'm signing up for WikiAnswers and giving them a piece of my mind. Morons!

Secondary result: I'm going back to bed and only getting up again when the intelligence quotient of the average citizen in this country meets or exceeds the minimum I.Q. of Albert Einstein when he was five years old.

P.S. The Washington Monument is the oldest monument/memorial on the National Mall. Construction commenced in 1848, was postponed by lack of funding and the Civil War, resumed in 1875, and was dedicated in 1885. The youngest monument/memorial on the National Mall is the World War II Memorial. Building started in 2001 and was finished and dedicated in 2004. Just so's ya know...

In all fairness, there are also things that don't make me peckish. Today, they happen to be:

1. This Joke

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

Seems he sold his soul to Santa.

Hee hee hee. Love that!

2. The Big Broadcast on WAMU 88.5

If you like old-time radio shows, this is the station to listen to on Sunday evenings between 7:00 and 11:00 ET. Every Sunday evening, WAMU 88.5 has a program with Ed Walker called The Big Broadcast. Last night, I listened to Dragnet, Gunsmoke, The Lone Ranger, Johnny Dollar, and a couple of other mystery shows and, like Sundays' past, thoroughly enjoyed myself.

As a kid growing up in Utah, we use to listen to KSL on the AM dial. Every evening at 8:00, they played Radio Mystery Theater narrated by E.G. Marshall. I loved that shows with its creepy, rusty-hinged door opening intro and Marshall just as creepily intoning, "Gooooood Evvvvening..." That show use to scare the bejesus out of me, but I loved it! And it was something we shared with our mom, who grew up with radio shows and instilled a similar love in us.

3. Fun Facts About Pope Benedict XIV

The Pope is coming! The Pope is coming!

Yeah, seems Herr Benedict is coming to Washington, D.C. Merchandising has already started and little factoid sites have been popping up all over the place in an effort to educate all of us about His Holiness. Seems the dude knows how to fly a helicopter, but never learned how to drive a car. Apparently, he also has a fondness for cats. (Maybe I could give him the Dirty Bastard Cat as a token of goodwill.) Oh, and some brewery in his home state of Bavaria has brewed and named a beer after him called Pabstbier. Lucky guy!

Of course, I never poke fun at other faiths without poking fun at my own tribe. I think it's wrong not to be equally opportunistic in my teasing. So, here's something for a good eyeroll from the Mormons. Worst piece of Mormon "art" I've seen. Ever.

4. Discovering that Washington, D.C., once had an Embassy of the Confederacy

Yep, it's true.

Down on 16th Street there's a home that once was the Confederate Memorial Hall after the secession of hostilities that ended the Civil War. Apparently, it served as the Confederate Memorial Association's embassy to the nation's capitol. From what I can gather, though, in a fit of persecution and hatred, the U.S. Courts (of Northern Aggression, I might add,) forced them to close their doors nearly 10 years ago.

I'd love to be invited to dinner parties in that home. Can you imagine the conversations?

There.

Things that make me peckish. And things that don't.

And now I need to decide what to have for dinner. Any suggestions?

27 comments:

Jess said...

This weather SUCKS. I am with you there.

My fiance, who is somewhat of a tech geek, says that Microsoft is learning that they can't get away with fobbing off piece of crap software on millions of people, and that Vista has been the biggest flop ever, and that companies are offering to install XP on machines that come with Vista installed to help their customers.

I know another dyslexia joke. What do you call a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Someone who sits up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Anonymous said...

I always thought "peckish" meant "a little bit hungry."

Hah! Take that for correcting my spelling on my blog!!

Hee, just kidding :) I love your blog. I love this post. I think Microsoft Vista should be shot without a blindfold on. Same goes for Office 2000-whatever-the-last-version- was.

Same goes for Janice Kapp Perry and doctors who don't listen.

- Phoebe

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Jess: Amen! And praise the Lord Microsoft is seeing the light. Idiots. Now if only Steve Jobs would get off his friggin' high horse and Mac users (present company included) would stop being such boorish snobs and start making Macs more universally available, all would be right with the world. Good joke, by the way! :-)


Phoebe: Yes, but in the case of your blog and your wack-a-doo professor, I thought he was being serious and meant torte. As for peckish, I looked it up in two different places and got two different definitions. In one, it said "irritable", which is how I'm using it. And in another it said "hungry," as you point out and which I didn't know. I learned something new today! That always makes me not peckish! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Crap, our new laptop has Vista on...how do you tell that it sucks? I haven't been able to determine that yet. What specifically sucks about it? Pretty please? I could go back to XP too, if I need to...but I don't really want to.

"Peckish" means hungry to me too. I was expecting foodie postings. That said, I was entertained by what makes you Jay-peckish. :-)

- Di

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Di: Have you used Vista at all? The program functions like Word in that you still make documents, but what has changed radically and is not intuitive to most users is the interface. You have to hunt to figure out how to do simple tasks like "Save As..." or even just "Save..." The command headers are gone and have been replaced by an Amazon.com-tab-like set up. Granted, it places more functionality right in front of you, but if you aren't use to that, it just makes your work twice as arduous.

It's a nasty, nasty software upgrade. My brother who is an IT dude hates it. More telling for me than that, though, is my sister. She works with this software and is able to use it and do things with it I didn't even know was possible and she can't say enough bad things about. She finally had my brother take it off her laptop and rebuild her entire OS and software set up again. It's.that.bad.

Phoenix Touch said...

Jay~
You totally crack me up!!!
xoxox
Abgue

ps... so did you get your definitions for "peckish" from wiki?? Just wonderin...

pss... my captcha word verification word thingie looks like dinner for a dyslexic: zsiuhi (isn't that faw rish wrapped in weaseed?!?!?)

Cele said...

Dyslexic jokes, to funny.

I now understand why no one I know uses Wikianswers. I was pretty amazed at the disconbooberation that they employed in not answering your question.

I'm with you I didn't know there was two definitions for peckish. But darn now I'm hungry.

I've never understood the arguements of microsoft vs apple, they're computers get over it. But I have heard all sorts Vista venting, screaming, and anger. I am thinking the anger, distrust, and revolt will make Microsoft sit up and pay attention.

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Abgue: Nope. No definitions from Wiki-Non-Answers. I got mine from Answers.com, TheFreeDictionary.com, and Merriam-Websters. Ironically, Wikitionary had the correct definitions. What a surprise.

Zsiushi sounds yummy.


Cele: WikiAnswers sucks. Vista sucks. If I was dyslexic, dyslexic jokes would probably suck, too. Fortunately, I have the Dirty Bastard Cat, which cancels out some of the suckage.

Lucy said...

You might want to think twice about elective hysterectomy. I did that and have been picking up my stomach ever since. I really have been sorry I did it. Hindsight now? I would have just waded through till the end of the M word.

Windows Vista? It CAME with my new computer. I had no choice. I detest it.

Anonymous said...

Feeling remorseful for badgering you about spell checking and definitions. Your heart was right where I wanted it -- assuming the worst of Prof. Flake. Thanks :)

- Phoebe

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Lucy: Okay, well, if not my uterus then at least my ovaries. All I know is, I . AM . SO . OVER . THIS . ALREADY. I can't bear another 10+ years of this. I'm telling you, me and God are havin' a word or two when I finally catch up with that misogynist dude!


Phoebe: No need to feel remorseful. I'm known for being excited about a new word and then using it incorrectly in a sentence. My worst example? Prurient.

janeannechovy said...

I'm with Di--I expected the post to be about food! Peckish = hungry. I think you really mean peevish.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.M. Tewkesbury said...

JA: I initially thought "peevish" but then I thought, "No, I'm more peckish than peevish." But then, like I said, I was operating under the false understanding that peckish primarily meant "irritable, irritated." That's actually it's secondary definition. Of course, being hungry can cause irritability/peckishness.

Damn. Now I'm peeved. Well, next time, I'll know better. Or, the rest of you will just have to start conforming to my definitions for words! :-)

Anonymous said...

My hysterectomy wasn't exactly elective, but I have to say: I'm such a fan. I don't know if my stomach looks different, it does seem a bit droopier somehow. But that's why god invented Spanx. I am SO glad to be rid of the problematic equipment!!

Just sayin.

- you know who

Liz said...

I liked the peckish list the best, I have to say. Made me laugh. :D

Holly said...

"peckish" does mean a little hungry. A better word for the feeling you're talking about it "peevish."

Oh. Before posting my comment I read through everyone else's and see that Janeannechovy said the same thing. Since the two of us agree, we must be right.

Holly said...

p.s. I think "peevish" is WAY too mild for the feeling Vista creates. I tried it briefly last summer before returning my entire computer and paying extra to get a brand new computer with XP. It was worth it.

hm-uk said...

Yeah, and the M*rmon bookstore site is charging $16.95 for a 3x5 print. Highway robbery, I tell you. They should be paying people to take those prints home! Do you notice how in Del Parson's painting everyone is of the Anglo persuasion. Jesus is mildly olive complected, though and looking mighty happy to have been bestowed with the power to gather young women around him. All he needs now is a guitar and a flower wreath around his neck and we've got Haight-Ashbury, kids!

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Anon: Yeah, I'm leaning more in your direction. Maybe I could get them to give me a tummy tuck, too, while they're taking parts out...

Liz: Lists of things that make one peckish are always good for a laugh!

Holly x 2: Damn you, English majors, damn you! I like peckish so much better than peevish. Peckish just rolls off the tongue with so much more bile than peevish. Peevish sounds like a weather anomaly or a minor spell in Harry Potter. All right, all right. I surrender. This entry was about things that make me peevish.

Hmph.

Aitch: Yeah, that picture is pretty awful. I don't think you could get me to take one even if you were giving it away. It's just plain awful and outright creepy. As for Jesus in the Haight-Ashbury, I think he already lives there. I use to see him hanging out on a street corner in tie-dye singing Kumbaya. On alternating Sundays, you can find him on Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley next to the guy selling bongs, joss sticks, and hemp sandals!

janeannechovy said...

But dahhhling, I was a Frrrench major! I'm just the kind who also cares about English usage. :)

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

JA: Damn you, carers of English language usage, damn you! ;-)

I concede.

At least I wasn't writing about things of a childish or deviant nature and misusing puerile and prurient. I totally screwed those up once, big time.

Hm. I'm seeing a pattern here. I think I need to avoid all neat-sounding words that begin with the letter P.

In truth, I think on some subconscious level I want to be the next Lewis Carroll and reinvent and invent words a la the Jabberwocky. Thus far, I'm failing miserably. I think I shouldn't quit my day job!

Oh, wait. I have quit my day job...

Well, now I am peeved. Dammit!

Anonymous said...

Hey Tewkes,

Be gentle on your good self. It sounds like you've just endured a round of 'henpecking' at the beaks of your friends.

in your defense, English usage changes just like every other language and words fall in and out of favor every day. Can you imagine what strange looks a person would get when caught speaking the original version of English? I've been accused of misuse of the language but, you know, it's all part of being a speaker. I'm on your side...it's time to highlight lesser known definitions of words we've used for years. They're not wrong, just different. Long live difference...

Adriana Velez said...

Oh crap, we just loaded Vista on Lane's new laptop (a Mac, but he needs Windows to run an art program, irony of ironies. Vista may suck, but I love Parallels, which allows you to keep a Windows OS open at the same time that you keep your Apple OS open. That was a really long aside.)

By the way, I'm and ENGLISH MAJOR who wishes everyone would just chill the hell out about usage. Especially if you're writing on a freakin' blog, for crying out loud. It's not like you're editing the OED. As an ENGLISH MAJOR I officially absolve you.

There is no one true dog.

One more thing, while I'm at it and since I'm avoiding taxes, I wonder if pelvic floor exercises would help with post-hysterectomy recovery? Perhaps you've heard of the kegle (sp?) exercises women do post partum.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Anon: Fortunately, my friends who 'henpeck' me are people I adore, so it's okay. If some total stranger who didn't know me from Eve peeved me, I'd tell 'em to bugger off. Still, though, I do prefer the secondary definition of peckish over peevish. Besides, I'm all about being the exception to the rule! :-D

Adriana: Thank you for your absolution! Reminds me of that closing scene in Amadeus where Solieri is being wheeled out for breakfast and he turns to the priest, who was there to hear his confession, and says, "I absolve you." Perfect!

I have heard of Kegel Exercises by name, but never learned what they actually are. I'll look it up. As for whether I'll get my wish, we'll see. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 25th...

Oh, and about Vista on Mac, I haven't heard either way on that one. I'll ask my brother today when I see him. But, I have heard that Parallel is very, very cool!

ME said...

Yeah, that's pretty vile Mo art. I also dislike the three dresses picture--the white blessing dress, white baptismal dress and a white temple/wedding dress. Wear all three! Your eternal happiness depends on it!

Also ooky: house shopping in Utah and seeing all the church "art" in people's homes. Proclamations, statement on Christ, Families are Forever and other slogans on plaques and wall stencils. The worst: a framed picture of GBH in the *master bedroom*. That creeped me out.

Someone gave my dad a photo of GBH and mom put it in the dining room. Always made me uncomfortable. I can't imagine having one in a bedroom. Eeeuuuwwwww!

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

My parents had a print in their home for a long time of all of the prophets dressed in temple whites in the Celestial Room of the Salt Lake Temple. Fortunately, it hung in the living room and not in their bedroom!

I find Mormon art and iconography so fascinating, but then all religions are replete with this stuff. Some of it is breathtaking in an awe- and holiness-inspiring way, but most of it is just flat out kitsch and hurlsome!

One of these days, I should do an overview of Mormon art and iconography and compare it to other faiths, although, someone's probably done that already. Maybe what I could do is a qualitative study on the effect for pictures and jewelry in the lives of Mormons. Does that CTR ring really, help you choose the right?

Or, maybe not. I think I'm too jaded, cynical, and sarcastic to remain totally objective and academic about it all...