Sunday, May 4, 2008

Cat-a-tonic: A Recipe

Wanna know how to quiet a cat without actually killing it? Here's a recipe.

Buy some fresh fish. Any fish or small crustacean will do--salmon, halibut, some shrimp. Whatever. Plan a menu around it. Baked potatoes, steamed zucchini, sauteed spinach, risotto. Again, whatever. Make yourself a plate and sit down to eat.

When the cat comes around begging for morsels from your plate, share some fish with him. About an hour after you've eaten, check on the cat. He'll be passed out on the bed and he won't move for a good three or four hours.

Doesn't take much. Couple of tablespoons.

I don't know why, but seeing the Dirty Bastard Cat hung over from fish consumption makes my heart gleeful.

Evil, aren't I? (Or, as my cousin, Arlene's oldest daughter says, "Amn't I?" Yeah, that!)

Or, to quote Wicked H: "Muhahahahahahaha..."


Wicked H said...


In case you need a signature laugh to go with the evil.

Cele said...

I think Wicked is on the right trail you need a signature laugh or people will begin thinking you like said Dirty Bastard Cat and were sharing your salmon in kindness.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Wicked and Cele: Amended to now include wicked, evil laugh. (I'd hate to give the impression that I actually like the DBC!)

LG said...

I do the same thing for my cats, but it's because I actually like them and actually like seeing them all passed out ... funny!

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

LG: See, this is what makes you and Bee better people than me. You actually like cats. I merely tolerate them. You and Bee (and other cat lovers) are going to heaven. I, on the other hand, am going to hell.

Unless I get a dog. Then I'm totally redeemed and get to go to heaven, too.

Girasol said...

Cats don't know how to handle that situation hehehhehehe ;)
Licks and kisses for DBC!

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Girasol: I think the DBC needs a doggy friend. He's way too serious and needs to lighten up a little.

Holly said...

I'm with your cousin on the not saying "Aren't I," because even though everyone says it, it's grammatically wrong. You don't say "I are evil," after all. So if I want to use that basic construction, I say, "am I not?"

Fussy, I know, but I can't help it.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Holly: Totally spot on! Every time I say "aren't I" I think "no, I aren't." How did America end up on the short stick of crappy grammar?

Oh, and no, you is not fussy! ;-)

(The sad thing about that lame attempt at humor and gentle teasing is, I actually hear people say stuff like that in my neighborhood.)