Thursday, May 29, 2008

Please, Dear God, Make It Stop!

Why, for the love of all that is holy, have Alvin & The Chipmunks not been declared a violation of the Geneva Convention Accords?

It's a lovely spring evening and I've just had to close the windows because the family across the alley who have two or three really cute girls have Alvin & The Chipmunks at full volume singing Cyndi Lauper hits.

Oddly, I've grown accustomed to their Hispanic oompa-pah music, but this is about to tip me over the edge. I can't handle it!


I'm five years and seven years older than my sister and brother, respectively. When I was in my early teens*, my brother was about five or six and his favorite album of all time was Alvin & The Chipmunks Christmas. He listened to that album once a day and that was if he was being kind. Otherwise, it was several times a day.

I don't know how my mother kept her sanity. I know I just about went postal. To this day, I can still sing "Christmas, Christmas, Time of Year" unbidden and in a high, squeaky voice. In fact, if I was being tortured and someone told me I had a choice between the Chipmunks and Peaches and Herb singing that odious of all love odes, "Reunited," I'd choose the latter.

Need proof for why I'd choose "Reunited"? Here you go:


And now, thanks to computer animation and CGI technology, Alvin & The Chipmunks have a whole new generation of groupies. Why?! Why? WHY?

I love Daniel Powter's "Bad Day", but the Chipmunks version completely personifies the beauty of Powter's words and why the 'Munks are so, so, so very wrong. So very wrong. Need proof of that, too? Listen to this:


Thankfully, there's actual Daniel Powter to save the potential of a bad day.


And changing the subject, what's up with Good Reads? I tried updating my "Currently Reading" and "Read" queues today to no avail. Not that I've just finished some earth-shattering piece of literature I'm just dying for everyone to know about. I mean, how interesting can knowing more about Kurt Waldheim and Austria be after 20 some odd years? Still, I certainly learned a bit I wish I'd known before I ever lived in Austria. I found the Austrians and Austria to be a bit provincial and quaint, but I had no idea just how rabidly anti-Semitic and pan-Germanic (read: National Socialist) Austria still was in the 1980s. I don't know if it's changed much in the last 20 years, but I would hope so.

And did I seriously just write an entire paragraph about that? Ignore that.


I have nothing more to offer. I'm still imbibing orange soda, but that may end shortly. I'm down to my last two bottles. After that, I'll likely swear off the stuff except when I have occasion to eat at Five Guys. Who needs all the sugar, right?


* Would that be a 'tween today?
** Yes, I mean album. This was in the pre-CD days when we still played everything on vinyl. I'm
that old.


Anonymous said...

Hee. That is the most I've almost laughed all day. The thought of you going postal over the chipmunks, sucking down an orange crush, and contemplating Austrian politics is wunnnnerful :)

- Phoebe

Foilwoman said...

I have a three year old and an eight-year old who both like the evil Imp-of-Satan Chipmunks. Help! Obviously, you understand my trauma.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Phoebe: Glad I could be the source of laughter! I finally put on my iPod, the 'Munks were making me that crazy. Note to all: If you find me rocking back and forth on the curb outside, nursing a Crush, don't touch me. I might have rabies-by-proxy and bite, whilst singing "Christmas, Christmas time for cheer..."

Foilwoman: Oh dear God! Come on over here. It's relatively quiet in the basement and I'll be happy to share my orange soda as we commiserate together.

Lucy said...

Arrrgh....thanks for taking me back 5 decades. I hated the chipmunks even when they came out at Christmastime that one year..60 or 61 0r 59. I always thought they were stupid and could never figure out how they got past the first run of that recording. And of course I had to turn it on was there...and listen to that bloody music again. Then when I wanted to stuff a fist through the laptop, it wouldn't turn off. And by the time I hit 78 buttons while going beserk to TURN IT OFF........I need an Excedrin now. Thanks for rockin' me down memory lane.

NG said...

Frankly I think describing how bad the Chipmunks are but then posting videos of them on your site is just irresponsibly perpetuating their distribution throughout the world. Evil like that should not be given a platform.

Cele said...

When I was a little kid the lady down the street had plywood cutouts of the chipmunks and santa on her roof with the music playing on some evenings. I loved it back then. But now, oy, nails on blackboard.

Now my grandson is enamored of the raspinng repugnant rodants.

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Lucy: Sorry...

NG: I know. I should have just stuck with the description, but I figured if I was listening to it, everyone else should be, too. Sort of that pioneer handcart trek effect: If I'm suffering, you are, too!

Okay, maybe that's the wrong attitude, huh?

Cele: And thus it continues. In 20 years, the Chipmunks will be rejuvenated yet again for another generation. I believe this is what Dante meant by the seventh circle of hell!

lacochran said...

Oh, thanks. "Had a bad day" a la Munkenstein. Now how am I going to get rid of that earworm?! ARGGGGG!

LG said...

I didn't listen. I knew what awaited me if I did, and I don't have that many brains cells to lose in the first place.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Lacochran: Sorry... Hopefully there are more dulcet tunes meandering through your head today?

LG: Smart woman!

E :) said...

The saddest thing is I can do the chipmunk voices perfectly...

j.m. tewkesbury said...

E:) : Two things. First, what I want to know is, can you do the voices without the assistance of helium? And second, either this is really sad or makes for GREAT party conversation and entertainment! Too, too quirky cool.