Friday, June 20, 2008

My Neighbors are Nucking Futz!

Let's see how I'm feeling about urban living today.

Yeah, not so happy.

Reason #1: Horn honkers

I went to bed around 11:30 last night. I was tired and achy and I just wanted to sleep. I dozed off and fell into a deep, satisfying sleep.

Until 1:30 a.m.

That's when some fucktard drove into our quiet little street and decided to honk their horn for someone to come out and get in their car and go God only knows where.

In today's world of cell phones, horns should be obsolete. PICK UP YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE AND CALL OUR SORRY-ASS FRIEND, YOU STUPID FUCK! Decent people are trying to sleep here.

Reason #2: No curfews

We have a young and hip mayor who thinks curfews are not the answer to getting kids off the street. 

I beg to differ. Especially at 1:30 a.m., after I've been awakened by the aforementioned horn honking fucktard, and I can't get back to sleep because a group of kids two or three blocks over is hootin' and hollerin' it up. 

What the hell are these kids doing out after 12:00 and where the hell are their parents?

Reason #3: My Nucking Futz Neighbor

It's 6:20 a.m. and my crazy, Vietnam Vet, I'm-on-disability, often drunk, jazz playing neighbor is outside right now running his weed whacker whacking his weeds.

I'd like to whack him. 


Yeah. I'm not liking urban living so much right now.

Is it too much as a homeowner and tax payer to expect reasonable peace and quiet between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m.? Honestly?

Sheesh. I should move to the country.


Gilahi said...

Well, I live in the 'burbs and during part of last summer the spouse and I decided that we'd enjoy the fresh air benefits of sleeping with the windows open. 6:00 AM SUNDAY morning, neighbor behind us starts weed-whacking. I stood by the window and, as soon as there was a break in the noise, I yelled, "IT'S 6:00 ON A SUNDAY!" Fortunately, my subtlety wasn't lost on the guy and he stopped.

Lucy said...

By simple nature, people are not suppose to live so together. I think it's bad here till I go there and find neighborhoods with houses 12 inches apart. But I have noise and the house across the street is known as the *&^%$# house(enter whoever you want) who like to play &*&^#$% (enter what kind of music you want) till midnight. They moved because of many complaints and now it's been rented again to same &*^^%# of people and we have to go through this all over again. I really hate rentals. Thanks for letting me vent.

Anonymous said...

Weed whackers and leaf blowers should be banned. And before they are banned, they should be taken out into a parking lot where a gang of hoodlums beat them to unrecognizable pulps with baseball bats.

Horn-honking teenagers only have two years between getting their driver's licenses and moving out of the house (please, God!), so they are a temporary problem. Weed whackers last longer.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Gilahi: If my nucking futz neighbor wasn't so nucking futz, I would have yelled at him. Instead, I think I'm going to make him a deal. I'll mow his lawn (which is the size of a postage stamp, literally), if he'll refrain from using his weed whacker at 6:30 in the morning. What a moron.

Lucy: I'm beginning to think that way, too. You're not suppose to see into your next door neighbor's bathroom or hear them yelling at their kids or smell their cooking. Or listen to their weed whackers at 6:30. Gah.

Anon: Amen on weed whackers and leaf blowers. Oh, and the horn honkers in my neighborhood are generally adults who should know better. Next time it happens, I'm going out with a baseball bat and a few choice words. (Well, not really. But it's nice to think I would.)

Liz said...

I'll go in on a farm with you, Tewkes. In a hot second.

When you live so close to neighbors, your only non-fucktard option is to be considerate. Otherwise you're just waving a huge middle finger around.

also- I seriously love the word fucktard, even though I feel very guilty about that.

lacochran said...

Don't know about where you are but the county that I live in has noise laws or ordinances or whatever the heck allows you to sic the police on your neighbors. You can even ask them to leave your name out of it. Amazing how clueless people can be.

"Gee, Officer, I had no idea that it was problem to run my chainsaw at 3 a.m. Thank you so much for informing me. Yes, Sir, I'll certainly do that, Sir!"

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Liz: Done! How does 200 acres in the Blue Ridge sound? We could split it halfsies. That way, we'd have lots and lots of room, but we'd still be close enough that borrowing a cup of sugar wouldn't be a pain. Now, must win lottery...

As for neighborly behavior, I hear ya! It seems, though, that those of us who view consideration as a virtue are in the minority. And yes, fucktard is a great word, but I, too, feel a twinge guilty using it. Still, it was completely apropos to events of the last evening.

Lacochran: I'm about to look into it. Surely D.C. has noise abatement or "reasonable expectation of quiet" clauses somewhere on the books. And if they don't, they should. Hmph.

Di said...

I don't know if this will help you, but it makes my life SO much better. I live in the city center in a sport (esp football) loving country. Their reaction to most things sport-related is to drive around all night honking their horns. Fucktards from all OVER the damn place. Anyhoo, I got a white noise machine for the bedroom, combined with a fan that also makes a whooshing sound. Drowns out just about all the bullshit noise from outside. I can no longer live without it.

Does it make any difference if you sleep in the other bedroom, or is that just as noisy? What about the basement? One place I lived, changing my bedroom made all the difference. Even though I preferred my bedroom, the better/more sleep was worth it.

But anyhow, they all suck. Jerks.

Cele said...

I live in the country version of town at the north end of the Oregon Dunes. If I can't hear the ocean pounding (and that isn't a complaint) I hear ATV's screaming on the dunes. Thankfully they don't start up the dunes before 7, 7:30. But my mother lives inside the dunes and she gets to hear them some nights until 10 or 11 when there is quiet curfew.

I'm with Di, a fan makes all the difference in the world, when I first put mine in it sounded like a plane taking off in my bedroom. One night later I slept like a baby. Now I only buy fans that make noise.

Wicked H said...

Nucking Futz R Us, now serving 431.

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Di: Ironically, we've had a few fans running in the house to keep things cool. The other night, we happened to turn them off because we were having a cool snap. Of course, that would be the night of noise. As for the weed whacker nutcase, I was up at 6:00 and enjoy the peace and quiet of early morning--songbirds, squirrels chattering, the like--when Loco Larry started his thing. So help me, he does it this week, I'm whacking his weed.

Cele: Honestly, who needs to be out after 10:00 riding ATVs on sand dunes? Personally, I think after 9:00 at night stuff like that should be prohibited. Gah.

Wicked: Seriously. It feels that way sometimes in my neighborhood! Take a number!

ME said...

We don't hear much inside the house, but walk outside and it's competing Tejano music on all sides of the 'hood. It's like we never left South Texas. Good thing I don't mind listening to it. Much.

We did have one goofball start mowing the lawn Sunday morning around 9:00 am, but that sounds like a really late start, comparatively speaking.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

ME: The neighbor how lives next to Loco Larry is our Tejano music playing dude. It bothered me at first, but I've gotten use to it and they've become a little more considerate about the times they play their music.

A 9:00 start time doesn't bother me. That's later enough in the morning that I can understand. You want to get the work done before it gets too hot. But 6:30?! That's just flat out rude any day of the week.