Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Things That Go Bump...

...in the night and leave me W I D E awake.

Yeah, it's 3:00 a.m. Again. And I'm up.

I find myself up on many a sleepless night contemplating the air in my head and the lint in my belly button, but I rarely pose really pressing questions. In truth, and if I did, you would really learn what keeps me up at night.

For example, why do teachers always seem to have bad breath?

The other day, I left a comment at Quiet in the Stacks where I said, "I now it's not nice to laugh at pregnant women..." and then I thought, are there any other kind?

Whose idea was it to invent front loading washing machines? Worst and most ineffective invention ever.

Why has Dick Cheney not been hauled off to the War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague? Is there no justice in the world?

Why do sleep aids sometimes make you restless and wide awake? Isn't that counter to what they're suppose to do?

In Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ron breaks his wand, rendering it largely useless. For Christmas, Hermione gives Ron a new wand. So, why, a few chapters later, is he still using the old, busted wand?

See what I mean? The questions of deep and lasting import that could just very possibly change what I eat for breakfast. It's more than I can bear. More beer? (And if you can name the movie that line came from, I'll be really, really impressed.)

*****

Gilahi was observing on his blog the other day that people seem to be running out of things to write about, his present company included. To fill the white space, he wrote about his colonoscopy. That was a fun read.

Thinking I might feel inspired, I thought about telling everyone how well being on birth control is working for me (HELLO! Why the hell didn't I get on this stuff YEARS ago?!), but then I decided no one needs all that detail and information.

Then I thought I'd rant about the pet crematorium where we took Bee's recently deceased cat, Frieda, but I'm saving that up for later. (And believe me, there will be a rant.)

I could write about how I'm editing a collection of personal histories, written by my cousins and aunts for a book my mother and her sisters are putting together for next year's family reunion, but no thanks.

See what I mean? I got nada.

*****

Which might not be such a bad thing, come to think of it.

Normally, I'd be working in an office setting, which would provide me with infinite possibilities of things to write. Now all I have is me, my Darth Vader bobblehead doll, and the Dirty Bastard Cat. He doesn't say much. Darth Vader, that is. The DBC, on the other hand, has an opinion about everything. When he really wants to make his point, he hurls.

The other day, we had guests over for dinner. When we do, the DBC goes to the basement. Otherwise, he's weaving in and out of people's legs, begging for food (he's worse than a dog that way), and generally being a nuisance. All of that, coupled with the fact that we also have friends who are allergic to cats, results in him going downstairs for the evening.

Needless to say, this makes him very, very angry.

Along the wall going down to the basement is a neat little DVD rack I bought at the loathsome IKEA. The Swedish furniture wonder recommends you hang the rack, made up of wooden boxes attached to a stick, vertically. Ha. What a joke! I installed them horizontally on a ledge going down the stairs. Perfect.

Or it was until the DBC discovered that he could express his opinion about being confined to the basement during all the fun and festivities by pulling DVDs out of the rack. Nothing like opening the door to the basement at the end of an evening of friends and frivolity to discover Breakfast at Tiffany's, Prime Suspect, Harry Potter 1-5, To Be or Not to Be, Peter Pan, The Mission, The Italian Job, Remembering 9/11, and Pirates of the Caribbean scattered down the stairs.

Hm. I wonder if I could trade the DBC to Barbossa for his monkey?

See? This, and many questions like it, keep me awake at night.

14 comments:

LG said...

"I'm especially good at expectorating!"

My favorite line.

Okay, now I'll go read the rest of the post. I was just excited to be first to answer that.

I'm a geek.

Gilahi said...

Thanks for the mention, glad you enjoyed the read.

Look up the word "prurient" in the dictionary if you want to see a picture of me. As such, I'm dying to read about how that whole birth-control is working out for you. It might just inspire me to write that other "medical experience" I referred to. Although my daughter found and now reads my blog, so I'll have to be very careful how it's worded.

Phoenix Touch said...

I totally KNOW the movie and CANNOT place it!!!!! AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa please! Release me from my misery...

I love the rambling thoughts of your sleepless in DC mind

Lucy said...

I loved Gilahi's post. Funny guy.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

LG: I like that line, too!


Gilahi: Let's just say, birth control is working really, really, really well. I'm no longer begging my Gyn for a hysterectomy for my birthday.


Abgue: I'll give you a clue. Think Disney animated musical from the 90s...


Lucy: Isn't he, though?

Cele said...

I have moments when I bemoan that I've nothing to write. And then I remember the dog needs bathed.

You may not be able to sleep, but the results are very readable and entertaining. So what's the flick?

ME said...

Teachers have bad breath because they don't drink enough water. If they did, they'd have to pee more often then they have pee breaks.

While subbing, I quickly realized that I didn't want to be stuck in front of a classroom with a full bladder so I quit drinking much during the school day. Plus half the time I had no idea where the teacher's loo was anyway. I did take advantage of the baby toilets at lunch the one day I subbed in a kindergarten.

Liz said...

Oh dear, I am cautiously curious about the cat crematorium story...

Also:
When I was a girl I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm preggo I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge...

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Cele: Seems it's a common problem for several of us. At least you have a dog to bathe. I've only got a cat who can't decide if he loves me or hates me.


ME: I knew there would be a reasonable explanation! That totally makes sense. Poor teachers.


Liz: The pet crematorium story will not be a rosy one. I'm still waiting for them to call me to pick up Frieda. It's been a week and counting... And excellent quote from the same movie! Love how you've modified it to fit you and David Beckham!

lacochran's evil twin said...

You can't blame him for being displeased with Pirates of the Caribbean.

restaurantrefugee said...

Dick Cheney should only go before a tribunal if his pet monkey, Dubya, gets to go too.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Lacochran's Evil Twin: Hey! What's wrong with POC? Some of the best lines in filmology are in those movies. Okay, okay. I'll admit, after the first movie, they've gotten steadily campier and the love story portion is enough to make anyone heave, but other than that, Johnny Depp is divine.


Restaurant Refugee: In addition to Dubya, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz have to go with him, too!

Liz said...

Johnny Depp is already sublime, but as Captain Jack Sparrow he is sublimer.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Liz: AMEN!



Oh, and just for everyone's FYI, the movie quoted in this entry and then counterquoted by LG and Liz is:

Beauty and the Beast