Sometimes, I say really stupid shit. Usually, it's good for a hearty laugh between me and the person who heard me say what starts out as a going-with-the-flow-of-the-conversation comment but instantaneously devolves into a "WTF?!"
Earlier this week, I parked Bee's car in the back and accidentally got landscaping sand in her Passat grill. (For those wondering how you get sand in your grill, I overestimated where the pile of sand was relative to the end of the car.) When she went out to go running, I followed her so I could sweep the majority of the sand out of the grill. No point in blowing it all into the radiator, right?
After I finished and she'd driven off, I turned around to go back into the house and discovered I'd been locked out.
"Aaaaaaah!" was my exact reaction, followed by a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. In addition to being locked out, I was also bare foot and braless. And, the Asian Tiger mosquitoes I so detest, but who love me, were out in force. In short, this was not a good situation.
Fortunately, the weather has been very nice lately, so I've had the windows open on the house (at least, I've had open the six windows out of 19 that function.) Thank God for good weather, otherwise I'd have been screwed. And eaten alive.
Clambering over a pile of salvaged brick and balancing on a bundle of precariously leaning tiles, I hoisted myself over to the bathroom window. I managed to jimmy out the screen without actually destroying it and then began the colossal effort of getting myself through the window. Let's just say, it wasn't pretty and I'm covered in bruises. But I was in, mosquito free, and I could return to watching It's Me or the Dog, which is really all that matters, right?
So last night, Bee and I are watching some telly when we start talking about where we can hide a key so getting locked out never, ever happens to either of us again. This is how the conversation went from there.
Bee: We need to find a better place to hide a key.
Jay: Mm-hm. (Pause in conversation.) I know if you'd had your cell phone with you, you'd have come back. I'd do the same for you.
Bee: Yeah, except you never have your cell phone on.
Jay: (Chuckling) True. Kind of pathetic to even have one if it isn't on. Of course, it would be our luck and the day you get locked out, I'll be at my parents for five or six hours. But I'd turn around and come home to let you in.
Pause in conversation
Jay: You have my parents' home number, right?
Bee: I use to. I think I need to get it again.
Jay: Well, worst case, if you get locked out, just check the caller ID on the phone. It's always in there.
Bee: (laughing) If I'm out there and the phone is in here, that doesn't work, does it?
Jay: (realization of stupidity dawning on me, I start laughing, too) Yeah, I guess that doesn't work, does it?
Bee: That was really dumb.
And that, friends, is the first time in seven years Bee has ever called me dumb.
In this case, it was wholly justified!