Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Oh Say, Can You See?

In addition to this blog and my photography blog(s), I also have a blog I maintain for an upcoming family reunion. Once a month, I post family updates from my mother and each of her sisters.

My mother's oldest sister is certifiably bats. She's a nut case. A loony. She's wack-a-doo and should be committed. Honestly, she's crazy. Unfortunately, she's not mental, so we can't have her committed. Equally unfortunate is, she's not crazy in the fun-crazy-aunt way. She's crazy in the fucked-up-where-the-hell-did-she-get-that-idea-crazy-aunt way. You know what I'm talking about, right? Every family has one.

Not only is she crazy, she makes up crap even worse than I do. Sometimes, when I'm editing her submission for the family reunion blog, I scream at the computer, "Where the hell did you get that, Auntie Mame?!" (That's her nickname for herself, too, by the way. Auntie Mame. Believe me, the irony is lost on none of us. It is, however, lost on her.)

Case in point: this month, she wrote about visiting her New Jersey-born and -raised daughter and her husband and three kids at their new farm/home in Independence, Missouri. All well and good. The visit took place over July 4th, so my aunt included this sentence in her description of the evening's events, and I quote:
The town fireworks were shot off on the Missouri River with the state capitol building in the background and it was pretty impressive.
Hello?! Picture me at that point in my editing pausing in disbelief, rolling my eyes, pulling out my hair, and launching Google Maps.

Independence, Missouri, which lies on I-70 and has the distinction of being the headquarters of three off-shoots of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (i.e.: the Mormons) and a historical point of significance for the same is no where near a state capital.

Jefferson City, Missouri, the capital of the Show-Me State, is 150 miles away. Topeka, Kansas, the capital of the Sunflower State, is 72 miles away.

I don't know what my aunt was seeing that night, but either she has really good vision or she was smokin' dope.

What is obvious is a) she never paid attention in U.S. geography and b) she never paid attention in church history classes.

Ugh. If I make it to the reunion in May 2009, it will be nothing shy of a minor miracle.*

* I'm sure you're wondering what the issue is for me here. Suffice it to say, I've been dealing with shit like this all week from my extended family and I've just about had enough. I'm tapped out and this was the cherry on the sundae. I think I'm about to start adding alcohol to my drinks. Does vodka mix well with Orange Crush?


Cele said...

Honey Vodka mixes with just about anything.

My metaphysical aunt of the same ilk once made a comment about people getting their own galaxy after they die. My daughter countered with, "Aunt Maria some people are already in their own galaxy." My mom and I just about swallowed our tongues to keep from laughing and chocking an imaginary one for Psam. The dig went totally flying over my aunt's head.

Now before you think Aunt Maria was disliked, before she went around the universe she was mine and Psam's favorite.

lacochran said...

Maybe she meant the city capitol? I dunno.

I do know that I've never been to a public fireworks event where you couldn't get a serious contact high so maybe she was just "enjoying the ambiance"...?

Then, again, maybe she thought it read a little more glamourously than "view of the city dump".

Gilahi said...

I had a cousin from my grandmother's side of the family (get that? not immediate family in any way... my grandmother's cousin, who insisted on sending me annual 20-page reports on the family reunion, full of names and locations I neither knew nor cared about, sprinkled liberally with fundamentalist Christian, um, stuff. I eventually wrote back to him asking him to please desist, telling him I really couldn't care less. Oddly, I haven't been invited back.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Cele: Now the question is, Stoli or Absolut?

I think your metaphysical aunt and my metaphysical aunt (that's a great word to describe her, by the way) are related. There was a time when Auntie Mame was one of my favorites, too. Then I started seeing through her wack-a-doo-ness and I am wiser. Honestly, she makes fruitcake look like a good idea.

Lacochran: I thought that, too. Now that I think about it, though, it's quite possible she meant the skyline of Kansas City. I don't know. I can't figure this woman out. Right now, I need to go "enjoy some ambiance."

Gilahi: You're welcome to come to our reunion! I'm the black sheep in the midst of a bunch of true believing Mormons, but we manage to have lots of laughs. Well, that is, until Auntie Mame shows up. Then we sit around and shake our heads and mouth, "What the fuck?!" and "Jeeeeesus Christ" to each other. Maybe I'll spike next year's pink punch with vodka. Lord knows I'll be three sheets to the wind by then and will want company.

LG said...

Stoli Vanil + orange juice = little sip of Heaven. Just sayin'.

My family has some batshit crazy people in it, too. The sad thing is, they all make sense to each other because they share the same religion (imagine that). It's not that I'm against their religion, it's just that the things they say make. No. Sense. At. All.

That being said, I've considered spiking the punch on several occasions, if for no one else's benefit but my own.

Di said...

Vodka ALWAYS mixes with crazy family. :-)

Your family makes ME want to drink.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

LG: I'm starting to lean very heavily toward only - consideration - for - my - sanity and spiking the punch. Seems to be the only way to keep the voices in my head quiet!

Di: I hear you, but in this particular case, it's my extended family, not my immediate family. This time around, they're okay. It's my mother's nucking futz sister who's driving me to drink.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh. I wish you could see me.

Just the mental image of the serene surety on your aunt's face, and the mental image of you mouthing, "jeeezusss" is just cracking me up :)

- Phoebe

Anonymous said...

No, I know it's your extended family...they're the ones who make me want to drink (a certain GC speaker comes to mind... :-P ). Your immediate family alternate between making me smile against my will, and making me want to strangle them on your behalf. I have to say, though, they seem to have gotten much better over the years. (It's hard for me to forget Thanksgiving...which is kind of funny since it's easy for me to forget just about anything.)

Anyhow, have a drink already! I join you in spirit(s). :-)

- Di

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Phoebe: Conversations involving Auntie Mame usually result in invoking a J.C. or two. It's the standard response these days to just about anything and everything she says or does.

Di: Gotcha! You're thinking of the aunt who drew pictures of my car and a tree falling on it and how that equated to the sinfulness of my personhood. Yeah, that was a doozy.

ME said...

Wait, the crazy aunt and the cartoon-drawing aunt are different people?!

By all means, spike the reunion punch. A little vodka in the lemonade or the sherbet+Sprite punch will do everyone some good. Sheesh.

D.C. Confidential said...

ME: Here's the genealogy:

Auntie Mame = Mom's oldest sister and the loony bug.

Auntie Pi = Mom's second oldest sister. She's okay. She teaches high school math in Wyoming.

Mom is the third oldest.

Auntie Ho-Ho is the youngest of the four. She's the artist and the one who drew the car + tree = sin and death sketch. In all fairness, she did apologize for that several years ago.

So, to answer your question, yes, Auntie Mame and Auntie Ho-Ho are two completely different people.

And honestly, when you talk to Auntie Mame and you talk to my mother or any of her other two sisters, you seriously wonder if the three of them were raised by totally different parents compared to Auntie Mame.

Anyway--long answer to a short question.