My mother's oldest sister is certifiably bats. She's a nut case. A loony. She's wack-a-doo and should be committed. Honestly, she's crazy. Unfortunately, she's not mental, so we can't have her committed. Equally unfortunate is, she's not crazy in the fun-crazy-aunt way. She's crazy in the fucked-up-where-the-hell-did-she-get-that-idea-crazy-aunt way. You know what I'm talking about, right? Every family has one.
Not only is she crazy, she makes up crap even worse than I do. Sometimes, when I'm editing her submission for the family reunion blog, I scream at the computer, "Where the hell did you get that, Auntie Mame?!" (That's her nickname for herself, too, by the way. Auntie Mame. Believe me, the irony is lost on none of us. It is, however, lost on her.)
Case in point: this month, she wrote about visiting her New Jersey-born and -raised daughter and her husband and three kids at their new farm/home in Independence, Missouri. All well and good. The visit took place over July 4th, so my aunt included this sentence in her description of the evening's events, and I quote:
The town fireworks were shot off on the Missouri River with the state capitol building in the background and it was pretty impressive.Hello?! Picture me at that point in my editing pausing in disbelief, rolling my eyes, pulling out my hair, and launching Google Maps.
Independence, Missouri, which lies on I-70 and has the distinction of being the headquarters of three off-shoots of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (i.e.: the Mormons) and a historical point of significance for the same is no where near a state capital.
Jefferson City, Missouri, the capital of the Show-Me State, is 150 miles away. Topeka, Kansas, the capital of the Sunflower State, is 72 miles away.
I don't know what my aunt was seeing that night, but either she has really good vision or she was smokin' dope.
What is obvious is a) she never paid attention in U.S. geography and b) she never paid attention in church history classes.
Ugh. If I make it to the reunion in May 2009, it will be nothing shy of a minor miracle.*
* I'm sure you're wondering what the issue is for me here. Suffice it to say, I've been dealing with shit like this all week from my extended family and I've just about had enough. I'm tapped out and this was the cherry on the sundae. I think I'm about to start adding alcohol to my drinks. Does vodka mix well with Orange Crush?