Thursday, December 11, 2008

Holly in my Heart

It's that time of year when everyone is all charitable and cheery and packin' on the pounds at parties and parceling out packages of home-baked goodness.

Meanwhile, over in Minnesota, some dude named Pierre just received the gift of a lifetime: a fruitcake that is nearly 100 years old. Yes, you read that correctly. Fruitcake. 100 years old. I don't know about you, but after the odious holiday "carol" 12 Days of Christmas, fruitcake is the second most vile thing imposed upon the season of tidings of great joy. The only thing that nasty concoction is good for is as a door stop. Pierre's would certainly qualify as that, and more. Read Hear the One About the Fruitcake Made in 1911?

And, I'm sure many of you have already festivized your house with a tree and garlands and all the finery of the season. Hopefully yours doesn't look like this. (Be sure to click through the photos. Some are more hideous than others and a few make Charlie Brown's Christmas tree look positively divine.)

16 comments:

Gilahi said...

"...a fruitcake that is nearly 100 years old."

How could they tell?

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Apparently this was the clue:

But the cake came in a box with cryptic inscriptions: "Xmas cake Baked in dec. 1911" on top, "Xmas Cake baked by my mother's brother Alex died Dec. 27. Was operated on Xmas day" on the bottom.

Katherine said...

Oh. My. God.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Katherine: I know, right? That should cure anyone of fruitcake desire.

Anonymous said...

I like the tree-in-a-bottle idea that you posted as a visual. I was going to set out our green deck umbrella in our living room and hang lights and dangly ornaments off of it, but I like the tree in a bottle better.

Uncheerfully yours,
Phoebe

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Pheebs: ROTFLMAO! Oh, that is priceless, darling. Simply priceless! Your decorated umbrella would be a far cry better than what I've done so far this year, which is six times nothing. The only decoration I have out is an LED Christmas Tree from Think Geek that changes color. It's sitting on my desk, next to my bobble head Darth Vader. Nothing says "Ho, ho, ho" quite like ol' Darthy Poo.

Anonymous said...

Darth Vader! Hahahahahaha ... aahhhh you kill me, Tewkes :)

- Phoebe

Virginia said...

My friend Julie and I have talked endlessly about marketing rubber fruitcake slices. Everyone puts them on their "Christmas goody trays". Does anyone EVER eat them? NO. So we thought rubber fruitcake slices would fill the bill. Take up room on the tray and noone would ever know. Guess someone reading this blog will now make em and make a freakin million. Your welcome!
V
Gilahi, I agree. How in the hell would anyone know ???

Cele said...

The sad part is....1) some one thinks their tree is the cutting edge....2) there are more bad Christmas sweaters out there, because did you recognize anyone you knew in those pictures? Nope, and I know people with really bad Christmas sweaters ...3) It should be called Dog Abuse.

So sad, no Christmas ornament contest this year. Hooo hum.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Said in my best Darth Vader voice:

Phoebeeeeeee: You are my sonnnnnnn...

Hm... I think I feel a sacrilege coming on...


VJ: Like those fake rubber poos? Oh my God! You and your friend Julie should totally do this! Hilarious! You crack me up!


Cele: I'd forgotten about bad Christmas sweaters, but you're right. Oh, the humanity! As for ornament contests, we could have our own... I still have the link to the site I found last year where you use tampons to make tree toppers. Perhaps I should drag that out...

foundinidaho said...

Tree in my house - $4.99. Home Depot. (We're in a tiny duplex waiting to move in a house. No room). I will not display pictures. My 9 year old decorated it and it looks like a drunken sailor had at it.

I hate fruitcake. 100 years old or 1 year old, it's all the same to me.

Merry Christmas!

j.m. tewkesbury said...

FII: The tree of a drunken sailor... LOL! I want one of those! As for fruitcake, reading the recipe in the book is odious enough. Why bother making it?!

Anonymous said...

Toooooooooooooks.... YOU are MY son (hee hee)

1. I stuck a tree branch in a vase and draped lights around it. It's friggin' awesome.

2. Fake poo!! THANK you. Now I know exactly what to get everyone!!

3. "looks like a drunken sailor had at it" is the funniest thing I've hard all week!

- Phoebe

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Phoebe: It is impossible to resist the dark sssssssside... Come with meeeeeee...

Um, would it be rude and unseemly of me to ask you to preclude me from your list of people receiving Christmas poo? I just don't have anywhere to put it.

My new Christmas wish? Capt. Jack Sparrow decorating my house for the holidays. His inebriate antics might do my holly-less heart some good!

Lucy said...

Ick...fruitcake! Any age.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Lucy: Amen!