Friday, December 12, 2008

Questionably Lacking

Honestly?! Who writes these questions? You know the ones I'm talking about? The ones on the Profile page of your Blogger account.

For example: What was the stage name of your favorite actress before she was born?

How the hell should I know?! She hasn't been born yet and doesn't even know she's going to be a stage actress, so how can she have a stage name?

Now this is a reasonable question: You've just inherited a manufacturing plant that specializes in plastics. What are you going to make?

Duh! Big Wheels for grown-ups, of course!

Then there are ones that are just downright corny: When your science teacher smashed a frozen rose with a hammer, did you warm the petals to bring them back to life?

Yes. Yes, I did. And then I gave them to my love... Bleh. Seriously?! Sounds like the beginning of a really schmoopy, schmarmy Hallmark card.

And then they're stupid again (unless you like Dr. Seuss, which I do, so this one isn't that implausible): Well, maybe they don't need them, but don't you think that some fish might like a bicycle?

If they're in an aforementioned Seuss book or a Star Wars movie, perhaps. Otherwise, no. What do fish know from bicycles?!

This question baffles me. It assumes I think my toes are gone, but it also seems to involve someone taking my shoes off of me, which would only happen in the most amorous of circumstances or in an emergency room situation. So where does a question like this originate: The first time you had your shoes taken off--how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?

I'm not even answering that one, it's that stupid.

This is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night, people! And why? Why can't I land a job at a place like Google/Blogger where all I have to do is make up stupid shit like this and get paid for it?

My question: If there's an elephant at your holiday party, do you offer it a bran muffin?

My answer: Who the hell serves bran muffins at a holiday party?!

See? I'd never be successful at this job.


Anonymous said...

Suffering fools gladly is a characteristic I have never aspired to.
(That was my attempt at sounding pedantic)

- Phoebe

Cele said...

Well really the good hostess will serve bran muffins at a party so that her guest can suck up more alcohol without drastic effect. But please keep the fish away from the hot toddies so they don't drink and drive. And really anyone knows you only give an elephant bran muffins at an a garden party. I mean really what were they thinking?

How really has anyone seen my hip waders? I have high tea to attend in the garden and the elephant is eating bran.

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Phoebe: My patience with fools decreases exponentially as I age. Currently, my tolerance level stands at -158.

Cele: I'm hiring you to plan my next party.

lacochran said...

I read this on my phone last night on the Metro and people were looking at me and staying the hell away from me because I was laughing so much. So thanks, J.M.! For the funny stuff and the elbow room.

Gilahi said...

OK, a couple of things here: First, if you give an elephant a bran muffin, you have bigger problems on the horizon than the fact that you're serving inappropriate party food. Second, I still have toes? That's such a relief! It's almost as big a relief as the first time I had my pants taken off.

D.C. Confidential said...

LACochran: I'm all about boundaries and safe zones. Esp. at parties. I don't want just any someone sniffing on my bran muffin. Just sayin'...

Gilahi: Pants are required at my parties. Esp. on you. I know about your underwear!

Wicked H said...

I miss a few posts and what do I find upon my return? You all are hosting parties with serious calculations regarding the ratio of bran muffins to alcohol consumed.

I repsectfully ask to be placed on the top of the invitation distribution list. I make a mean martini. One way to find out.....

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Wicked: You are officially at the top of the party invitation distribution list! Bring your martini shaker and stir away!

Anonymous said...

I was like LAcochran last night at a party. I don't know why two glasses of wine makes everything so gosh dang funny. Apparently nobody else thought eveything was so gosh darn funny. I wish people would just lighten up and eat more bran muffins or something.

- Phoebe

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Phoebe: To quote the Jack Nicholson Joker in Batman: "This town needs an enema!" Bran muffins. Enema. Same thing. Lightens everyone up a bit.

Maya said...

The first time you had your shoes taken off--how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?
Wow, seriously? I think I'd be thinking something more along the lines of: "I hope my feet don't smell."

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Maya: LOL! Yeah, I'd probably be thinking the same.