Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Peripheral Vision. Or, How I Realized I Have Boobs.

My breastesses have been a topic of conversation in my family for years. This is because the distribution of mammary matter among the women in my family has been disproportionate. I've never paid much attention to my mother's because they seem just about right. My sister ended up with more than a fair handful--a curse she hopes one day to alleviate. In the meantime, she continually threatens to wear a t-shirt to work that says, "My eyes are up here, moron" with arrows rising from her chest area to her face.1

I, on the other hand, was a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (IBTC) for years!2 Over the years, my breastessess have matured and filled out a bit more and I'm no longer sure I'd continue to meet the requirements for membership in the IBTC. Still, they aren't ginormous and for that I'm grateful. That said, I haven't exactly flattered or done favors for my figure in the last eight years either.

That's because about eight years ago, I discovered sports bras. Wonderful contraptions. They practically plaster your breasts to your chest and make them nearly immovable. This is a good thing, if you make exercising or any kind of sport a part of your lifestyle. On occasion, I have been known to exercise, hence the existence of sports bras in my life.

For months now, Emm has been telling me I need to get better bras, because apparently I have a figure. So, several weeks ago, she, my friend Ms. Swizzies, and I went clothes shopping. The last stop of the day before the mall closed at 6:003 was Beldona's for bras. Both Emm and Ms. Swizzies insisted.

To make a long story short, Emm and Ms. Swizzies hauled out bras for me. Both of them--Emm more than Ms. Swizzies--woman-handled my breastesses into those bras, making an adjustment here and a push-up there and voila! My chest went from being an androgynous no-ma'am's land to hubba hubba!

Mission accomplished, I paid for my bras4 and off we went. I've been wearing those bras now for about a month and I will admit, they do flatter my figure and my assets far more than squishifying sports bras ever did, will, or could. Other than that, though, I haven't really noticed my breasts or the impact of a positive bra on the same.

So the other day, I'm walking down the hall at work. I generally try to look straight ahead when I'm walking. This seems to help me avoid running into things or people. Anyway--I'm proceeding along, looking straight ahead, when I suddenly become aware of something in my peripheral vision. It wasn't anything above or beside me, but rather, below me. With shocking clarity I realized, "I HAVE BOOBS!"

That's right, boys and girls. My bras have transformed my peripheral vision! I'm no longer a flat-chested bore. I'm a busty broad...

Oy, moron! *SLAP!* My eyes are up here!

1. I found this picture of said t-shirt on Zazzle. What I find intriguing is the model has virtually no breasts. Frankly, I think the model in this picture is a man with long hair. So much for truth in advertising!
2. I even have a t-shirt to prove it. I'd show it to you, but it's at home in the States.
3. Crazy, right? But hey, this was Switzerland. Apparently, it's a miracle they're even open that late on a Saturday!
4. Good Lord, but bras are expensive! I can get six sports bras at Jockey for what I paid for two bras at Beldona. Sheesh.

Photo sources: Google Images and Wikimedia.


ME said...

The mental picture of you getting your assets woman-handled into a bra by two other people--priceless. Does that count as a threesome?

Cele said...

I think ME said it best, so I shall add no more. hmmmmm.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

ME: Well, it certainly seemed like it for a bit there. But no, it was pretty purtanical in the end. Still, it was a HUGE deal for me to go bra shopping and have the ta-tas out for all but a select few.

Cele: Precisely.

lacochran said...

But have you learned to shimmy them yet?

(And if you do, teach me.)

Anonymous said...

Distracted by your own breasts, that is hilarious. :D You should slap yourself across the face next time.

I didn't touch a thing.

- Di

PS -- word captcha is "devill"

janeannechovy said...

Wahoo! Way to treat the girls right.

Anonymous said...

Member of the itty bitty titty club here. Spent a couple of years trying to enhance rather than squish :) But I do like the freedoms that small boobs give: a) movement without pain, b) people think I'm probably smart since I don't rely on my looks, and c) nobody stares at my chest while they're talking to me. -Phoebe

Janet Kincaid said...

LA: Well, my breastesses may have matured and filled out a bit, but I'm not sure there's enough there to shimmy. If there is, I'm not sure I want to shimmy... Do I? Perhaps someone more learned than I can assist. :-)

Di: Maybe it was Emm's boobies you assisted. I obviously have bad recall. I just remember it was a huge deal for me to have people (okay, friends), how shall I say? "Up in my business?" LOL! :-)

JA: Yeah, but still no floral or lacy bras. Though I'm sure Emm would be pleased if I did get a bra or two that sauced it up a bit.

Phoebe: Frankly, I think small boobs are the best, if you're lucky enough to be so minimally endowed. What I don't get are breast enhancements. I'm not talking going from an A cup to a C cup. I'm talking the crazy women who do the quadruple EEEE. That's just insane!

@ Di again. You'll love my word verification: rosti. Yeah, baby! :-D

Janet Kincaid said...

Oh, the word ver after it is classic: katoot! Perfect.

Maya said...

It was my pleasure!

Anonymous said...

Oh -- I agree. The only enhancing I did was buy a slightly padded bra :)


J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Maya: I'm sure it was! ;-)

Phoebe: Padded bras, okay. Boob enhancements, not so much. :-)