Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sign Up Sheet

Based on NG's comment about wishing she could incorporate this quote into a talk suitable for church consumption, the board of directors of The Chronicles of Tewkesbury have decided to call Aitch Emm to be the bishop (see the comments of the aforementioned blog entry for this latest development) in these parts.

If there's a calling you'd like in the Tewkesbury Ward, please sign up here and it's yours! No worthiness checks required. You don't have to pay tithing or watch annual conferences or attend any extracurricular activities. In fact, I'm not sure what the benefits of being here will be, but I can at least promise there will be no guilt and no hints of eternal damnation if you choose not to park your butt in the cyber pew.

Please note, though, if you're a guy (and I'm sorry to do this), you might have to wait in line for callings and recognition. It's not that you're less valued. It's just that your place in the Plan is, well, special and divinely focused. The Men Who Know will realize just how revered they really are by us and will perform their special calling with grace and dignity and perfection.

Oh, and they will be in charge of refreshments too. Krispy Kreme is a must.


Thanks to Sister Mary Lisa for her guidance and inspiration regarding the Role of Men in the Church of Whatever You Want This to Be of Rockin' Women.


Sister Mary Lisa said...

I get dibs on Gospel Essentials Teacher as my calling! I know I could magnify that calling!!

My Gospel Essentials lesson manual would begin as follows:

Life Essentials according to the Gospel of Tewkesbury:

1. Massage
2. Chocolate from Europe
3. Travel
4. Good Friends
5. Good Reading
6. Good Art to Look At
7. Love of Self
8. Laughter
9. Creativity
10. Comfort

And not necessarily in that order.

NG said...

I call Person Who Hands Out The Programs At The Door. I've always wanted that one.

Jess said...

I'm pretty sure that I don't have a calling. Can I just be one of those silent observer types? In a pew? Or whatever they're called?

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

SML: Done! Can I come to your class? I'll bring the Krispy Kremes every single week...

NG: Yours! That's a nice calling. Low prep, high visibility.

Jess: You can be whatever you'd like. People in the pews are important. We'll call the VIPPs: Very Important Pew People.

Wicked H said...

A choir, you've got to have a choir. La la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa...vocal cords all warmed up.

LG said...

Is there room for a Happy Hour Coordinator in this group? If so, I'd like that.

Drinks and appetizers in the Cultural Hall immediately following Sunday School. I'll even put the basketball hoops up.

LG said...

Oh, and sidebar - I use Firefox and haven't had one issue viewing your delightful blog. :)

Anonymous said...

I want to be Custodian of Thy Holy Damn Cat.

I will maintain the shrine and keep the candles burning next to the bowl of Slim Fast.

Can I also deliver a sermon once a month?

- Phoebe

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Okay, so Wicked's in the choir (and, unless someone steps up) she's also in charge of the same.

LG: You can be the Happy Hour Coordinator and Hoop Goddess.

And Phoebe, if you want to be the Custodian of the Holy Damn Cat, that's fine with me. Although, you may have to compete with Bee on that one. (Come to think of it, I wonder if Bee wants to be in this ward? Hm. I'm gonna need to discuss that with her, aren't I?) Oh, and yes, you may speak at least once a month. Even better: you can choose the topic!

Meanwhile, I'm just going to roam the halls chanting that erstwhile line from my childhood, "I am the Goat. I am the Goat. I am the Holy Goat."

NG said...

Maybe while you're roaming the halls you can also be the person who tells everyone else in the halls to get back to Sunday School. Not a calling, maybe, but there's one in every congregation.

ME said...

I want to be in charge of the ward book group, which will be known on the records of this church as Brunch, Booze and Books.

That or teaching young women some critical thinking skills. And girl's camp will be in Yosemite.

Cele said...

Whoa, I'm going to have to think on this, I've never considered myself to have a calling. Infact I hate the phone as much as I dislike organized religion. Now if it's disorgranized wow, I'm so there. Hmmm, could I just have the chocolate massage from Europe with a hot Krispy Kreme on the side?

Umm, I use to sing if Wicked needs an Alto.

Di said...

I'll be the colorful crazy person who scares everyone every time she looks like she's about to talk about her latest run-in with a UFO. Also, I'll be half-inactive, and show up to church visibly impaired and reeking of smoke. Wearing trousers unfailingly, except when I forget them altogether.

Also, I will host a sporadic knitting group called Stitch 'n Bitch.

hm-uk said...

I, as bishop, will allow anyone to have the calling of their choice, as my first decision in this position.

Secondly, any callings not filled (with the exception of ward clerk) will hereby be made redundant, until we find someone who wants to do it.

Thirdly, visiting teaching will have a lesson of the teachers' choices. It seems prudent to me that all visiting teaching can get done in a single night called the Ward Meeting Get-Together. All required meetings are handled in one sitting, involving a gang of us hanging out and just getting down to business, followed by a dinner and a movie afterward.

Tithing will be used locally to support local charitable events, of which the church will have a high profile and be known for GIVING of its resources. Churches will be kept up with funds used from subsidized childcare, which is offered to members first, community second, on a daily basis. The children are our future and it is important to look after them but also give the parents a way to work outside the home if they wish, or be involved in the daycare scheme. The church will seek to involve its more intellectually robust members in creating a way to redefine its doctrine without whitewashing its history. The church will be involved in reparations to the 'Lamanite' culture - including, but not limited to, apologizing for taking the youth off the reservation and stripping them of culture, language, rituals and identity.
Every first Sunday of the month will be the Fast and Testimony picnic. Food will be served fast and testimony will be spontaneous by having people contribute one sentence to the collective testimony. Extra points are awarded for creative testimony involving singing or costume change or delivered by 'charade' method.
Amen. No really, amen.

Lucy said...

People...people...you must have an organist. And apparantly, I will volunteer to be that unsung hero in the room. What would you like to sing???

Lucy said...

Hmmm...Lucy = Rigby :)

ng said...

I will sing - but only if we do weekly choir renditions of InAGaddaDaVida.

ME said...

I forgot--I want to be in the choir, too. Alto. I nominate "Come Thou Fount" as our first song and that it be reinstated in the hymnal.

Hell, let's redo the WHOLE hymnal while we're at it.

Love the idea of collective testimony picnic, HM. You have my sustaining vote!

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

NG: People roam the halls at church?! Just kidding! In addition to being The Holy Goat, I'll also be the heavy. Although, given Bishop Aitch's outline for the ward, I don't think we'll have to worry about roamers. As for hymn choices, I think we can sing whatever we like. Rumor has it, we have an organist now!

ME: Sign me up for that book group. I am SO there!

Cele: We're totally disorganized here. We make of it what we want!

Di: I love it! I love you! I love that you're in this ward! Yeah for crazy! And can I join the Stitch 'n Bitch even though I'm totally all thumbs when it comes to knitting?

Bishop Aitch: I just KNEW you'd be the right person to be bishop and you proved that with your suggestion about Fast and Testimony meeting. If F&T was really like you propose, I'd go back to church! Brava! For that alone, you rock!

Lucy (aka Rigby, aka Relative of NG): Welcome! We definitely need an organist. Folks... She takes requests. Don't be shy.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Oops, ME. We must have been posting at the same time. I'll note in the minutes that you also want to be in the choir.

I second your motion to put "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" back into the hymnal. And, yes, I think a revision of the hymnal is in order as well. Works for me, anyway.

Phoenix Touch said...


"Men Who Know" ... OMG! You didn't?!?!?! Shit! I am peeing here and now, as I type. Can't breathe!!!


That was HIL-A-RIOUS! I actually heard that god-awful "Women Who Know" talk as that idiot-woman was speaking it and I was so raving PISSED by the end of it that I couldn't see straight.

(Hmmmm... maybe I need my bladder checked!!!)


J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Abgue: Oh, yes we did!

I think we could maybe amend it though to allow for really cool guys like Mr. Swizzies and Sideon to be members. We should probably try to be a little more inclusive, but only men who don't have a patriarchal bone in their bodies. (Hence, Mr. Swizzies and Sideon.)

Phoenix Touch said...


TOTALLY amend the membership roll rules to include the awesome men! I am all about the Cool Dudes and Dudettes! Because, of course, I am a Woman Who Knows!


ME said...

Some wag created a What Men Know parody site:


But I don't know if that's enough to be considered for membership here. Gotta love the super glue guy, though.

janeannechovy said...

He's not here to nominate himself, but I nominate Mavis as choir director. He's really quite good. I could do it, but I prefer to sing rather than lead. I'll sing a solo at least every other month if I can find a good accompanist in the ward. And I'm a pretty decent GD teacher, too. The curriculum will be a little different, though. We'll start off with the "Nothing in the Old Testament was meant to be understood literally" lesson. ;)

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

JA: I think we have a choir director already, but maybe Mavis and Wicked H could rotate every other week. I'll put him down as an alternate. And I'll put you down for the choir with occasional solo, as well as Gospel Doctrine Reconstruction Teacher. Yeah!

JulieAnn Henneman said...

Can I teach something? I'm good at painting wooden thingys.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Julie: You can be whatever you'd like to be in this ward. Painter of Wood Thingys would be good! Welcome to the ward!