Mother's Day: Plechy!

Time for a little Fast & Testimony Picnic here. Actually, I take that back. I think, in lieu of an FTP and as a replacement for Relief Society Enrichment Night, we'll have Women's Stitch & Bitch. I think Di is in charge of that group. The topic is "Mother's Day: Plechy! Why I Hate, Hate, Hate This Holiday."* (Or, if you're feeling a bit contrarian, tell us why you love it.)

Meanwhile, enjoy this article from the Washington Post and be grateful this monument never came to fruition!

* Today's topic is brought to you by all the women I've talked to in the last 24 hours who have reminded me once again that they absolutely hate this Hallmark Holiday. Just wanted to clarify that. I have no opinion about Mother's Day one way or the other. (Well, that's not true. I do. But I'm reserving it for later.)

Tewkesbury Ward Service Project. Or, How Not to Landscape.

My frontyard. This little patch of green is about 6 x 9.
I hate, hate, hate those three bushes.
And I'm torn as to whether to do anything with the porch.
(Click on image to enlarge.)

One of the things I've not liked about our home is the lack of landscaping in the yard. Granted, it's not a very big yard, so there's not a lot of room to do spectacular things. (See above.) But, I'm not looking for spectacular. I'm looking for colorful, proportional, easily maintained, and healthy.

Case in point with the last want on that list: the side yard. (See below.) It only gets about an hour of sun in the summer afternoon, otherwise it's shaded. Grass hasn't done well here and it's poorly terraced (as in, the idiot who flipped it, stacked cinder block-like pavers three high and three across and called it good.)

The awful, awful, gets-little-shade-in-the-summer sideyard. As much as I hate the three bushes, I really hate this feature on the house. Eventually, those stairs you see in the far background will be removed and replaced with a safer structure that will also double as a garden shed underneath. Don't be deceived by the green, semi-lushness in this picture. It's spring and it's been raining here the last few days, so it looks healthier than it really is. (Click image to enlarge.)

The backyard, what little there is, is an absolute eyesore, but I have a solution for it already. I'm going to till the soil to loosen it, then I'll dig out and discard a good five inches of it and put down recovered brick. This will expand the parking possibilities and/or provide a space for planters that can be moved and placed as wanted/needed. That part's figured out.

It's the side and front I can't figure out. So, here's the deal: looking at the two pictures I've posted above and knowing that I want to get rid of this stupid trio of cheap, crappy bushes and knowing that, not to repeat myself, "I'm looking for colorful, proportional, easily maintained, and healthy," what would you do or recommend for this space?

Oh, and as an added caveat, I'm also looking for plants or landscaping devices that are repellent to cats. While I'm grateful for the hoards and herds of feral cats in our neighborhood--I've seen nary a rat, mouse, or cockroach inside or out since moving here. I use to see them all the time when I lived downtown--I'm not grateful that they use my yard as a litter box.

Help!

I'd Like to Stand On My Feet...

Updated on 04.25.08

Here's what we have so far from the first Fast & Testimony Picnic:

I'd like to remain sitting...or perhaps lazing on my back...and say that I don't Know anything. But I believe that friends and picnics are a good reason for life to be sweet. I do know that if it's too hot and humid, I'd rather have an indoor picnic. I would feel very ungrateful if I let today go by without publicly expressing how grateful I am for picnics...and really food in general. I don't know what I can say without getting way too sappy about it, but something about how true friends make life worth living. I would like to say, Thank you for this spread before us, for we are blessed with good friends and growing butt, and no one gives a damn beyond communing. Yada, yada, yada. Blah, blah, blah. As Choir Director it falls upon me to make sure we have many and assorted libations. Can I hear an AMEN? Any key will suffice. Webster's Dictionary defines the word "Whoa Nelly Furtado" as: an improvement on "Whoa Nelly" as in: "Whoa Nelly--where do you think you're going with that chocolate fondue? Park it here!" I would also be ungrateful if I didn't loll before you today and tell you how blessed we are to be in the Tewkesbury Ward. I know this ward is true and the picnics and the camaraderie are better here than in any other ward I've ever been in. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that this picnic is true, and that the drinking is truly inspired. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but--*sniff*--I want to thank all those who brought adult beverages, because you've made my calling truly rewarding. Can I stumble in late? As your... ummmm... I have forgotten my calling... Could that be because I am, apparently, habitually late and sick for all things Tewkesbury-Ward related? I think it was something like Deliverance Syndicate Leader??? Yeah! That's it. As your Deliverance Syndicate Leader, I would like to bare my testimony of the truthfulness of the principals taught here in the Tewkesbury Ward. And the picnics are the best ever! I know this with every fiber of my being.


Picnic food, thus far:

1 case of porsecco
Boxes of fudgesicles
Rhubarb-ginger tart with vanilla ice cream
Pistachio salad
Assorted libations
1 Grande Mocha Frappacino Light
Lentil, roasted red pepper and feta salad with lemon mint dressing
Granny's potato salad dressed up with spicy mustard and dill
More adult beverage
Cool Ranch Doritos
A pitcher of Pimm's
Funeral potatoes

There's still time to participate in the Fast & Testimony Picnic. To leave your sentence (or two or three) and what you're bringing to the picnic, please leave a comment here.

Fast & Testimony Picnic I

A few months ago, I wrote that this was my new favorite saying. That inspired my friend, Alice of Alice's Adventures Underground to comment, if she could find a way to incorporate the aforementioned quote into a talk for church, she would.

One thing led to another and before you could say "pass the funeral potatoes" at the church potluck, I'd passed around a cyber sign-up sheet where everyone chose what their role would be if we were to create a de facto ward/congregation where sayings like the previously aforementioned could be quoted. We ended up with an eclectic bunch of fabulous folk who wanted to be everything from program-hander-outers to colorful, crazy person, from Gospel Doctrine Reconstruction teacher to Critical Thinking Development advisor, from custodian of the Holy Damn Cat and habitually late attender to the Holy Goat and hall roamer. We even have a couple of people who have chosen to be Very Important Pew People and/or participants in the choir.

Finally, and faster than you can say, "I know the Gospel is true with every fiber of my being," the New Order was called to order and Aitch Emm in the Ewe Kay was officially declared bishop. (The decision about who would be bishop was purely unilateral. My blog. My call! Besides, it was Aitch who suggested to Alice, back in the first entry that started all of this, how she might edit the heretofore aforementioned quote into a talk, which then [d]evolved into comments about a personal device called a She-Wee. Apparently, said holy relic saved Aitch in a few dire situations in Poland last year. [One day, that story will no doubt acquire apocryphal meaning and significance and will be the foundation of many a faith promoting tale and rumor in our new little order.])

The bottom line is, we created the Tewkesbury Ward and decided that in lieu of Fast & Testimony meetings we would have Fast & Testimony picnics.

Only two rules apply: first, there has to be food and second, each person must contribute one sentence to the collective testimony. Extra points are awarded for creative testimony involving singing or costume change or delivered by 'charade' method.

Leave your sentence contribution to the collective testimony in the comments. For the latter three options, please post your contribution to your blog and leave a link to such in the comments. Also, in all cases, please be sure to tell us what you're bringing to the picnic.

Whoever leaves a comment first is the one who kicks off the picnic.

All those in favor, manifest it. Any opposed, by the same sign.

I'll kick it off here.

I'd like to stand on my feet...

(Oh, and Happy (Photo) Friday!)

Photo copyright: D.C. Confidential.

Fast & Testimony Picnic is a Tewkesbury Ward trademark.
All rights reserved.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead or caught up in translation, rapture, resurrection
or any other kind of explained-only-by-religion phenomenon is purely coincidental.

First Order of the New Order

Minutes of the Tewkesbury Ward
Bishop Aitch, Communing

The meeting was briefly called to order at 9:39 a.m. on January 16, 2007.

Bishop Aitch outlined her vision for the Tewkesbury Ward (hereafter referred as "the ward.") As there were several actionable items, these will be reported last.

The following individuals have selected the following callings and/or roles for themselves within the ward:

Sister Mary Lisa, Gospel Essentials Instructor (see the comments from the previous post for an outline of this year's curriculum)
NG, Programs-at-the-Door Hander-Outer
Jess, Very Important Pew Person
Wicked H, Choir Member and Choir Director
Lolatini, Happy Hour Coordinator and Hoop Goddess
Phoebe, Custodian of the Holy Damn Cat and Monthly Sermonizer; also officially designated Habitually Late Attender.
Jay Em Tee, Hall Roamer and The Holy Goat
ME, Leader of the Brunch, Booze, and Books Book Group; Young Women's Critical Thinking Development Advisor, and Girl's Camp Denizen; also Alto in the Choir
Cele, Partaker of the Chocolate Massages and Krispy Kremes being offered in Sister Mary Lisa's Gospel Essentials Class and Alto in the Choir
Di, Colorful Crazy Person and Keeper of the New Order Fashion; also occasional host of the ward knitting group, Stitch 'n Bitch, as well as Game Night Coordinator
Lucy, Ward Organist
Bee, Director of Comedy and Host of the Buddhist Meditation Open-Mike Nights
Abgue, Director of Transformative and Healing Touch and Leader of the Deliverance Syndicate (a replacement for and improvement on Relief Society)
JaneAnnchovy, Gospel Doctrine Reconstruction Teacher and Choir member, as well as occasional soloist
Mavis, Alternate Choir Director
JulieAnn, Painter of Wooden Thingys

A suggestion was made by ME that the hymnal be revised and include "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing."

Having compiled this list of participants and callings, Bishop Aitch then outlined her vision for the ward. (Again, see the comments in the aforementioned previous entry for a full report.)

It was decided that all callings shall be the choice of the individual. Furthermore, any callings not filled would be considered redundant until such time as someone chooses to perform said redundancy. The one exception is Ward Clerk. A search committee was considered but then dismissed and, unless someone steps forward, Bishop Aitch will just pick someone.

It was also decided that Visiting Teaching would be a group activity and would be done in a single night called "Ward Meeting Get Together." All required meetings would be held at once and with rapid results. Dinner and a movie will follow and conclude all get-togethers.

Further, tithing will support charitable events and will be high profile. Funds raised from childcare will subsidize the upkeep of churches. Intellectual pursuit will be rewarded. Doctrine and history will be redefined and discussed with honesty. Bishop Aitch stressed that whitewashing is prohibited.

As the most significant order of business, the Bishop reported that the ward will play an active role in reparations to Native Americans, "including, but not limited to, apologizing for taking the youth off the reservation and stripping them of culture, language, rituals and identity."

Finally, the first Sunday of every month--which has heretofore been characterized by fasting and blathering--shall be a "Fast and Testimony Picnic." Again, to quote Bishop Aitch: "Food will be served fast and testimony will be spontaneous by having people contribute one sentence to the collective testimony. Extra points are awarded for creative testimony involving singing or costume change or delivered by 'charade' method."

The next meeting will be held whenever we feel like it.

Having no further business, no objections, and no additional suggestions, the meeting was adjourned at 10:05 AM. Please note: Adjournment of the meeting does not imply business, objections, or suggestions can not be made. Please note further that the floor remains open at all times for participants to designate callings of their choosing.

Submitted this 16th day of January in the 15th year of the Holy Damned Cat, 2007.

Signed and Respectfully Submitted,

The Holy Goat

Sign Up Sheet

Based on NG's comment about wishing she could incorporate this quote into a talk suitable for church consumption, the board of directors of The Chronicles of Tewkesbury have decided to call Aitch Emm to be the bishop (see the comments of the aforementioned blog entry for this latest development) in these parts.

If there's a calling you'd like in the Tewkesbury Ward, please sign up here and it's yours! No worthiness checks required. You don't have to pay tithing or watch annual conferences or attend any extracurricular activities. In fact, I'm not sure what the benefits of being here will be, but I can at least promise there will be no guilt and no hints of eternal damnation if you choose not to park your butt in the cyber pew.

Please note, though, if you're a guy (and I'm sorry to do this), you might have to wait in line for callings and recognition. It's not that you're less valued. It's just that your place in the Plan is, well, special and divinely focused. The Men Who Know will realize just how revered they really are by us and will perform their special calling with grace and dignity and perfection.

Oh, and they will be in charge of refreshments too. Krispy Kreme is a must.

Welcome!

Thanks to Sister Mary Lisa for her guidance and inspiration regarding the Role of Men in the Church of Whatever You Want This to Be of Rockin' Women.